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Posts Tagged ‘Food’

Egg Issues?

eggz

How many times does this happen , ok , you are ready to boil an egg or some eggs for what ever reason. You put them in a pot of water and boil them. They are now ready to take out and peel. When you start peeling , it seems that most of the egg peels off with the shell. That pisses you off doesn’t it. I know pisses me off. Have me steaming mad! So mad to the point I want to throw the shit up against a wall! I am calm now. People , to avoid having a stroke or heart attack because the damn eggs won’t do right by you , just simply add some salt. Get a box of any salt and pour about 3/4 of a cup in the water and then boil until ready. Take out , let cool , then peel. The shell comes right off. Notice I said the shell only. The egg will not come off with the shell! It’s f$%cking genius.

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Ok , how many of you have a friend or family member who should not be allowed in the kitchen , at all! I know I got few of these people in my family. It can be a sad event when eating their food. I have an aunt who can not cook worth a damn. Horrible food , tasteless , and very questionable. High school was gourmet to me compared to the crap she was whipping up. YUCK! Let me give you a list of her greatest hits on the gross food charts. Ladies and gentlemen , what I am about to tell you is sick and disturbing.

1. The famous Koolaid Cake.

This cake is made with a perfectly good Dunk n Hines cake mix , perfectly screwed up by a pack of grape , strawberry , and orange flavored Koolaid. Then the Dunk n Hines frosting ,  which is white and perfect by itself , violated by more Koolaid flavor packs. In this case grape was used again for the frosting. Brutal. It is then spread on to the disgusting baked concoction. Then served to unsuspecting children who think it is a delicious treat because it’s sugar. After one bite , your face becomes twisted like that little green face on that sticker for poison.  As you can see here.  Oh , I am not done.Mr. Yuck

2. Oatmeal Cookies Deep Fried In Lard! Yum.

Oh this one is a classic. First or all forget about measuring cups and spoons , these will not be needed. First you get some flour , milk , lard , sugar , eggs, and oatmeal. Mix these ingredients together in a bowl until it become some sort of mystery dough. Chill in the fridge until it becomes a chilled mystery dough. Do that for an hour or so , who knows. Now while that is chilling , go get you big ole thing of lard and heat it up until hot enough to fry mystery dough. Take out chilled mystery dough and roll it into balls and drop in to the vat of lard. Once it has soaked up lard and is crispy and some how soggy , take out and serve to kids who have not done anything to you to deserve this torture. Kids face will again look like the picture above , the look guarantees that you have correctly cooked it. Wait , there is more.

3. Green Holiday Gravy for Dried Christmas Goose.

Show your family how you really feel about them on the Holidays with this extremely horrible to the fifth degree dish. Trust me they will talk about this dish forever to their friend and loved ones. It will basically be a warning though. Now again this recipe will call for Lard. Run to your nearest grocer and buy at least 3 giant bricks of Lard. Set that . Get you a large bowl and add flour . Note; no measuring utensils will be needed for this also. Now with the flour you have add alot of pepper and salt , and I mean alot. It must be salty for it to be right. That will be all the spices you need. Now take your freakishly large bricks of Lard and heat them up until who knows. Add some onion with the dried skin still stuck to it and badly chopped to the hot vat of Lard. It is going to pop on you. While that is popping and burning you , go to the cabinet and get some green food coloring. The coloring will be for the festive affect. Stir in. Then dump it all in the vat of Lard. What ever you do , do not stir because we are going to need it burnt and lumpy. You may stir it thought when it is time to take it off the high fire. Set aside to cool down and soak up that excess Lard. Now you have to prepare the Christmas goose. Take it out of its packing and put it in the oven. Do you take out the innards , of course not silly , you leave them in for that extra bloody flavor that you think you family craves. Do not by all means rap it up or baste it. We need the goose to dry out. You want it to flake when you cut it. Make sure it’s burnt also. Once done , when ever that could be , take it out and garnish with the disgusting gravy. Serve to your family who you obviously have an extreme amount of hatred for. Trust me they will in turn give you back the same hatred. So it’s all good!  Remember when your friends and family display the face above , you have done it right.

4. Potted Meatloaf Surprise.

Keep family and friends away from your dinner table with this dish. Also works with pets who like to eat off the table and friends of your kids who like to eat over. You are going to need a shit load of potted meat for this one , and it does not matter what brand. It can be dog food for all I know. So run out to the nearest Dollar Store or Deals and rack up. Bring it home and empty it in your trusty large bowl that you use to fix all of your horrible meals in. Then get 2 eggs and add to the grey mass known as potted meat. Mix together until grey mass and eggs are as one. It will look like vomit , but that is ok because it is suppose to look like that. Now add some seasoning of any kind , you can even use cinnamon. Stir in , then get some dried bread crumbs that have been sitting out all night. UNCOVERED! Mix that in too. Now make sure you have turned on your oven ass high as possible , 550 will be great! Now throw that in the oven and go somewhere and take a nap while the grey mass of mystery crap cooks to a nice charcoal black. Serve on a plate with green things that you are sure are not vegetable , but this is what was told to you by your mom or family member who claims that they are not mad at you. By the way , if you think that passing it on to the dog will get rid of the dish , think again. The dog wont eat this crap either , even though it might be dog food. Your family will not thank you later.

5. Sugary Sweet Mac and Cheese.

Give your family that you hate so much the best of both worlds. Desert and dinner at the same time! All at once. Together. YAY! First go to your local grocer and buy Kraft Instant Mac and Cheese. Boil a large pot of water and put at least 4 boxes in the water with any type of used cooking grease that has been sitting out for some weeks , preferably bacon grease. This helps keep the macaroni from sticking. Do not forget to turn it up on high and leave it. Go lay down and take a nap. When you wake up it should be burnt and mushy. Now add the cheese packets. Stir. Go to get  2 cups of granulated sugar and add to the yellow stuff that you call Mac and Cheese. Stir in. Now serve to your family who are now confused , because they thought you loved them!

Ladies and gentlemen these are some of the few recipes that my aunt makes for her family. She has even bought them to family picnics! Great! I have stated to my brother a million times that the green sticker above should be placed on her homemade dishes. Why do we let her cook for the picnics? We do not like to hurt feeling. It has been like this for years. We just learn not to eat her food. Some of her food can be used for spackle. Well all of it for that matter. We let her take it back home to serve to her family , who by the way , don’t want to eat that shit either. I am so glad she is not my mom. I love her , just not her cooking.

 

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