The Holidays Are Here!

It’s almost that time people. The end of the year and holiday fun.  Cooking also.  We await patiently for the giblet gravy , the stuffing , the cranberry sauce , you name it.  Unfortuantly this year , there will be very badly cooked dinners on both holidays.  Dry ass turkey , water flavored gravy , lumpy gravy ,  mush potatos.  What do we do about friend and family who can not cook worth a damn?  Do we shoot them?  No.  As much as we would love to , the law frowns upon such actions , so that is out of the question.  To tell them would be like killing them.  No one , not evem me , would want to be told my food sucks.  These people honestly , believe in their hearts , that they can cook. Why do they believe this?  Well , we have not told them that their culinary skills suck ass.  I think that it is time we start telling them. Pull your friend or family member to the side , or call them up , and say , “hey  I need to let you know that your food is bad , and we are not going to take it anymore.  Now , a few things can happen when you say this to them.  Let me give you an example ; you could get attacked ,  cut , a possible good cursing out , or maybe  hurt feeling.  You can not fold once you let those words slip from your mouth.  You have to stand up and be brave.  This is the price we have to pay for the right to have better food.  So what!  Let them be upset.  You’re upset every year from eating the shity food that they are serving to you.  Do you honestly want to keep taking it?  I sure as hell do not want to.  I can not take no more.  This year , I am going to tell my aunt that she can not cook this year.  She is going to ask why , and I am going to tell her that the food she cooks is horrible. I may not say it in those words , but I am going to have to say something pertaining to her bad cooking.  I can not and will not take it anymore. It has got to stop!  Excuse me , I got a little carried away. I do love her , do not get me wrong.  She had be more than good to me, but must I be forced to eat her bad food? No! That’s just how it will have to be on these holidays.  Readers , do not fret , I am going to keep you up to date on what happens.  Matter fact , I am going to let you know what goes on for the rest of the year. We will see what happens. You wont hear from me for a minute ; so do not worry , I will be back to fill you in on all that happens. Chao for now!

Sweet Potato Salad?

Hey people I am back , I got another story for you. See I am telling the world this because I want everyone to know that my aunt sucks at cooking. Okay this is the same aunt who makes koolaid cake and friend cookies. Ok we have just had a family gathering this Saturday , ok , it was pot luck , there was food drinks liquor the works. Everyone would be fed. Now of course we have to invite my aunt , we do not hate her , we just hate her cooking. We tell her all the time , just bring stuff you do not have to cook , like paper plates , cups , chips , and sodas. She will do what she is told , but for some reason she wishes to make a dish , that she believes that everyone is going to like. She decided to try and have us whacked by trying to force feed us to eat sweet potato salad.  When I heard that she bought something , I had to go and see what color it was this time. It was like , I do not know , like some sort or stuff. She made it like it was regular potato salad , only with sweet potato’s. Sick. I quickly separated it from the other food , in fear that it would either attack the food or spoil it. You never know. The shit could be alive. You what is funny , she wont even eat the food that she creates in her laboratory. I think she is a mad scientist when it comes to cooking. Looking to wreak havoc on those who can cook and enjoy good food. I swear she is trying to bump us off. You got to love her though , that is my aunt , she does mean well. Someone has got to tell her to stop cooking shit! No one can , she is older and I think it would break her heart. So this is why I have this little blog about her. So I can vent about her bad ass cooking. I would never say it to her face. God that food , is gross! Anyway enough already. Tune in next time , I promise you she is going to cook something again and I am going to tell you all about it in great detail. Promise. Chao pa’ahora!

This what happens when you eat my aunts’ cooking. >>>>>>>>

Going out to eat.

You know those restaurants that advertise their food and the food looks bigger than it really is. This also includes fastfood restaurants , the burgers look large and juicy. When you go to that particular fastfood place or restaurant , the food is ever so small. I think it’s false advertising! We are not going to mention the taste , yeah it looks good but that about it. For example , McDonalds is giving away the southern fried chicken sandwich. The sandwich comes with the chicken breast , pickles , and a bun. That’s it. Ok , that’s cool , what more do you expect when it’s free. Oh , I forgot to tell you , you have to buy a soda to get it free , I can deal with that. I bought one the other day. When I bit into it I knew why they were giving it away for free. Bland Bland Bland. I was not impressed. At all. I was totally disappointed. That’s ok. I will not buy it again. Now , restaurants can be a different story. Me and my aunt hangout at the Red Lobster like it’s a bar. The money you spend in there is so worth it because they give you your moneys worth. You can not eat it all in one sitting , some people can thought , me and my aunt are not one of them. We are always taking leftovers home. Always. It’s good food and it’s plenty. That I like.  As you can see below that was half of what I had left on my plate. I had to take home a doggy bag. I could not eat another bite. This is one of the very few restaurants that are good and gives you more for money. Of course I am sure you know this already. I live in Saint Louis Mo. There are list of Saint Louis bound restaurants that are good and gives you plenty to eat. I would make the list for you , but I am to damn lazy to do it.

Gravy!

I bet you wished you could make gravy like this , don’t you? For those of you who have tried it and it never came out right , come on ,  you know who you are.  You dred the Holiday season. You know how it always turns out , lumpy , burnt , bland , and just plain ole damn nasty. It’s to damn nasty , that it no longer looks like gravy , it becomes some brown shit that was poured on you thanksgiving turkey! It is so nasty that it ruined everything on the plate. Horrible! The what’s worse is that you try to pass off like it’s gravy and no one will notice the burnt , lumpy , oily look and taste that it has. Wrong! They know. Your family members are  just being nice to you. They do not want to hurt your feelings , because they love you. So therefore they risk their lives trying to enjoy your horrible gravy. There is hope! If you follow my instructions then your gravy can come out right.

The items you will need are a lagre measuring cup filled up complety , at least 4 cups. You should put that aside for later.  You will also need a metal wisk for stiring the gravy , and your usual seasoning that you would put in your gravy. Do not forget the salt and pepper. Use the salt and pepper to taste. All you have to do is add a little ,  taste a little. If it starts to taste salty or to peppery , STOP! Do not add any more! Last but not least you are going to need  1 1/2 cups of flour . Set that aside also.

Next you are going to need a cast iron skillet or if you do not have one any skillet will do. Set skillet aside.

Next you are going to cut up one bellpepper , one medium onion , and add 2 heaping table spoons of minced garlic. Set all aside.

Now turn stove on to a medium heat. Then add your oil.

Wait until the oil heats up. When it is nice and hot add the chopped onion , bellpeppers , and minced garlic to oil. Sautee with the metal wisk, altogether for about 3 min or until it start to sizzle.

Make sure you have your flour and water together close by so that you can get to them quickly.

Now with one hand stiring the vegetable , use the other hand to sprinkle in the flour a little at a time. Keep adding and stiring at the same time until it has a dry look to it.

Now reach get the water ready. You are going to keep stiring with the wisk as you add the water. Do not stop stiring. Add water a little at a time. Now pay attenting , because when the gravy start to thicken up add more water to it. Turn heat down to low as you are doing this also. Keep stiring  with the wisk and adding wate as needed. The wisk is for smoothing out the gravy and beating the lumps out. Keep on low for awhile and keep stiring untill you do not see any more visible lumps.

Now you have to add salt and pepper. Like I said add to taste. Do not over do it with spices.

Turn off heat and serve or pour it on what ever it is you are going to pour it on. Enjoy.

Also instead of water you can use chicken or beef broth.

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Rice can be your friend.

 

Have you ever cooked rice and it comes out either half done (a.k.a crunchy) , mushy , burnt , or just plain f$@#cked up , and when it does do you want to run and cry somewhere. Well neither do I , but I sure as hell feel like I want to. I hated rice! We were truly arch enemies , but  I discovered a way to make the perfect rice. Let me share this trick with you.

1. Go get some rice.

2. Get a pot.

3. Measure out 1 cup of rice.

4. Then measure out 3/4 cups of olive oil.

5. Pour olive oil into pot of rice and stir until rice is coated with the olive oil.

6. Put pot on stove and turn heat to medium.

7. Make sure you are  standing there and watching carefully because olive oil burns easily and quickly.

8. Make sure you have wooden spoon to stir rice around.

9. The rice will began to fry , when that starts , take wooden spoon and stir so that some of the rice will become brown.

At this point you can add onion , bell pepper , minced garlic , cilantro , or any other fresh herbs and vegetable that you wish to add while the rice is frying.

10. When most of the rice has become a nice golden brown , add your 2 cups of water or broth for that matter. Liquid will bubble when added , but that’s ok.

11. After adding liquids , turn heat down to low and let cook for about 15-20 minutes. Do not forget to stir every now and then so that it does not stick.

12. Serve and eat.

Just a note , cooking it this way will make your pot easier to clean. The olive oil soaks into the pot , so there for it wont stick as bad. If there is some sticking just add some hot or warm water and let sit for awhile. Then wash. You should be good to go.

Egg Issues?

How many times does this happen , ok , you are ready to boil an egg or some eggs for what ever reason. You put them in a pot of water and boil them. They are now ready to take out and peel. When you start peeling , it seems that most of the egg peels off with the shell. That pisses you off doesn’t it. I know pisses me off. Have me steaming mad! So mad to the point I want to throw the shit up against a wall! I am calm now. People , to avoid having a stroke or heart attack because the damn eggs won’t do right by you , just simply add some salt. Get a box of any salt and pour about 3/4 of a cup in the water and then boil until ready. Take out , let cool , then peel. The shell comes right off. Notice I said the shell only. The egg will not come off with the shell! It’s f$%cking genius.

Bad Cooking From Family Members Who Claim They Love You!

Ok , how many of you have a friend or family member who should not be allowed in the kitchen , at all! I know I got few of these people in my family. It can be a sad event when eating their food. I have an aunt who can not cook worth a damn. Horrible food , tasteless , and very questionable. High school was gourmet to me compared to the crap she was whipping up. YUCK! Let me give you a list of her greatest hits on the gross food charts. Ladies and gentlemen , what I am about to tell you is sick and disturbing.

1. The famous Koolaid Cake.

This cake is made with a perfectly good Dunk n Hines cake mix , perfectly screwed up by a pack of grape , strawberry , and orange flavored Koolaid. Then the Dunk n Hines frosting ,  which is white and perfect by itself , violated by more Koolaid flavor packs. In this case grape was used again for the frosting. Brutal. It is then spread on to the disgusting baked concoction. Then served to unsuspecting children who think it is a delicious treat because it’s sugar. After one bite , your face becomes twisted like that little green face on that sticker for poison.  As you can see here.  Oh , I am not done.

2. Oatmeal Cookies Deep Fried In Lard! Yum.

Oh this one is a classic. First or all forget about measuring cups and spoons , these will not be needed. First you get some flour , milk , lard , sugar , eggs, and oatmeal. Mix these ingredients together in a bowl until it become some sort of mystery dough. Chill in the fridge until it becomes a chilled mystery dough. Do that for an hour or so , who knows. Now while that is chilling , go get you big ole thing of lard and heat it up until hot enough to fry mystery dough. Take out chilled mystery dough and roll it into balls and drop in to the vat of lard. Once it has soaked up lard and is crispy and some how soggy , take out and serve to kids who have not done anything to you to deserve this torture. Kids face will again look like the picture above , the look guarantees that you have correctly cooked it. Wait , there is more.

3. Green Holiday Gravy for Dried Christmas Goose.

Show your family how you really feel about them on the Holidays with this extremely horrible to the fifth degree dish. Trust me they will talk about this dish forever to their friend and loved ones. It will basically be a warning though. Now again this recipe will call for Lard. Run to your nearest grocer and buy at least 3 giant bricks of Lard. Set that . Get you a large bowl and add flour . Note; no measuring utensils will be needed for this also. Now with the flour you have add alot of pepper and salt , and I mean alot. It must be salty for it to be right. That will be all the spices you need. Now take your freakishly large bricks of Lard and heat them up until who knows. Add some onion with the dried skin still stuck to it and badly chopped to the hot vat of Lard. It is going to pop on you. While that is popping and burning you , go to the cabinet and get some green food coloring. The coloring will be for the festive affect. Stir in. Then dump it all in the vat of Lard. What ever you do , do not stir because we are going to need it burnt and lumpy. You may stir it thought when it is time to take it off the high fire. Set aside to cool down and soak up that excess Lard. Now you have to prepare the Christmas goose. Take it out of its packing and put it in the oven. Do you take out the innards , of course not silly , you leave them in for that extra bloody flavor that you think you family craves. Do not by all means rap it up or baste it. We need the goose to dry out. You want it to flake when you cut it. Make sure it’s burnt also. Once done , when ever that could be , take it out and garnish with the disgusting gravy. Serve to your family who you obviously have an extreme amount of hatred for. Trust me they will in turn give you back the same hatred. So it’s all good!  Remember when your friends and family display the face above , you have done it right.

4. Potted Meatloaf Surprise.

Keep family and friends away from your dinner table with this dish. Also works with pets who like to eat off the table and friends of your kids who like to eat over. You are going to need a shit load of potted meat for this one , and it does not matter what brand. It can be dog food for all I know. So run out to the nearest Dollar Store or Deals and rack up. Bring it home and empty it in your trusty large bowl that you use to fix all of your horrible meals in. Then get 2 eggs and add to the grey mass known as potted meat. Mix together until grey mass and eggs are as one. It will look like vomit , but that is ok because it is suppose to look like that. Now add some seasoning of any kind , you can even use cinnamon. Stir in , then get some dried bread crumbs that have been sitting out all night. UNCOVERED! Mix that in too. Now make sure you have turned on your oven ass high as possible , 550 will be great! Now throw that in the oven and go somewhere and take a nap while the grey mass of mystery crap cooks to a nice charcoal black. Serve on a plate with green things that you are sure are not vegetable , but this is what was told to you by your mom or family member who claims that they are not mad at you. By the way , if you think that passing it on to the dog will get rid of the dish , think again. The dog wont eat this crap either , even though it might be dog food. Your family will not thank you later.

5. Sugary Sweet Mac and Cheese.

Give your family that you hate so much the best of both worlds. Desert and dinner at the same time! All at once. Together. YAY! First go to your local grocer and buy Kraft Instant Mac and Cheese. Boil a large pot of water and put at least 4 boxes in the water with any type of used cooking grease that has been sitting out for some weeks , preferably bacon grease. This helps keep the macaroni from sticking. Do not forget to turn it up on high and leave it. Go lay down and take a nap. When you wake up it should be burnt and mushy. Now add the cheese packets. Stir. Go to get  2 cups of granulated sugar and add to the yellow stuff that you call Mac and Cheese. Stir in. Now serve to your family who are now confused , because they thought you loved them!

Ladies and gentlemen these are some of the few recipes that my aunt makes for her family. She has even bought them to family picnics! Great! I have stated to my brother a million times that the green sticker above should be placed on her homemade dishes. Why do we let her cook for the picnics? We do not like to hurt feeling. It has been like this for years. We just learn not to eat her food. Some of her food can be used for spackle. Well all of it for that matter. We let her take it back home to serve to her family , who by the way , don’t want to eat that shit either. I am so glad she is not my mom. I love her , just not her cooking.